haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
