from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize