I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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