just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
