There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
