And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sext me about skeletons
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
