I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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