if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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