When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
this hospital has no fireball
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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