I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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