Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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