shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize