I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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