i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
