I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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