he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize