Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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