omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
