This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
