i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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