i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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