I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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