I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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