I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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