is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
