Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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