All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my being single is dangerous.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
