I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
