I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
