really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
