Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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