im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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