Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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