I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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