The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
