Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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