Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
