omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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