i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
