FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Randomize
