I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
