The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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