i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
