This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
