If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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