thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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