That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
