i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So much rum. So many feels.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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