You made me cry and you don't even care
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
