Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
