I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she pinky promised me she was 18
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
