I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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