I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
