don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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