i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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